HunnyBeez

We of the baby-boomer generation are feeling the pressure as we provide care for our elderly parents.  It is painful as we helplessly watch our loved one’s experience the impact of failing health.  We feel powerless against the ravages of deteriorating health and mourn our losses as our parents begin the descent involving their incapacity to live independently.  Children undergo the process of grieving as our parents move closer to the end of their lives.  Family dynamics may shift. 

 

The process of grieving hopefully may bring healing and closure to children who care-take for elderly parents.  However, more typically, it takes its toll in creating upheaval and conflict among the children.  As elderly parents come to the end of their lives, the grieving process may serve as a catalyst which affects core issues and dynamics among the surviving children.  If there are unresolved issues harbored by any family member, they will invariably surface during this time of distress.  Grieving and loss have a way of opening the door for unfinished psychological business that has been “swept under the rug.”  One can only hide the pain for so long and then inevitably the truth, wrapped in emotional baggage, will make itself known. 

 

The children of an aging parent are forced to deal with a myriad of new decisions and problems.  However, legal, financial, and questions related a parent’s possessions tend to be the focal point for conflict among siblings during the process of parental decline.  Children, who face these issues with their unresolved baggage, create tension for the entire family system.  Hopefully, parents help minimize the impact of sibling conflict by structuring their will and financial matters effectively.

 

Quibbling over finances or belongings may represent the way in which children play out their unresolved conflicts toward the elderly parent and their interaction with each other.  They may feud over jewelry and other personal possessions belonging to the parent, leaving the elderly parent feeling resentful or guilt-ridden.  The turmoil may exacerbate the parent’s declining health.  Misunderstandings may exist over who gets what and when.  Interpersonal conflict emerges when the grieving process serves as a metaphor for unfinished family business.  Although most parents dread the prospects, it is not unusual for children to break communication with each other after the death of their parent. 

 

Because feelings are more intense during the declining health of an elderly parent, the children are more prone to become reactive.  Reactivity leads to anxiety, and anxiety promotes misunderstanding and defensive communication.  Like the advent of premarital counseling, perhaps there should be therapy for children who are trying to navigate the process of caretaking for an elderly parent in deteriorating health. 

 

What are some of the ways that children can cope more effectively while caretaking for an elderly parent and avoid the traps that cause interpersonal damage?

 

Make sure that there are legal documents in place, including a will, durable power of attorney, and a trust.  They should be updated, particularly if there is any transition from state to state. Make sure that your parent specifies, outside of the will, items to be distributed equitably to all family members. Children of the elderly need to work on responding, by promoting understanding, rather than reacting with defensiveness and resentment. Children should seek professional counseling assistance when they are unable to manage their personal grief and it begins to affect their functioning as well as other family members. Learn to keep things in perspective.  Money and things are not worth severing relationships and causing hurt feelings within the family.  Our legacy and our families should be based on the quality of our relationships. 

 

Caretaking for the elderly is a difficult process.  It takes patience, wisdom, and the ability to sort out issues related to our parents and siblings.  We must take the high road consisting of integrity when dealing with our family members.  There are not guarantees that they will do the same.  Nevertheless, we must vow to make peace with our past, care for our parents, and let go of our loved ones in a way that will bring peace and healing to our life.  In doing so, we will never have regrets.



By: James P Krehbiel

About the Author:

In 1970, 90% of all children under eighteen years of age lived in homes with two parents. In 2006, only 70% of children under eighteen years of age lived with two parents. Thus, the number of children living with one parent tripled from 8.5 million in 1970 to 20.6 million 2006. Clearly, single-parent families have become much more common across the United States. In highly urban areas, single parents lead a complex and difficult life. Concerns about crime, economic pressures, time demands, and the busy pace of life make single parenting a stressful challenge.

Single Parents Raising Kids, or SPARK, is an association of single parents living in Montgomery County in the State of Maryland in the United States. SPARK also covers single parents in areas near Montgomery County and Maryland.

SPARK was formed in 1987 by nine people who have successfully met the challenges of life as single parents. The founders’ goal was to give single parents the tools they need to deal with the stressful issues they already had faced and overcome.

About SPARK

Single Parents Raising Kids is a non-governmental organization whose mission is to build a community where single parents in the area can interact, build new friendships, and share their experiences.

SPARK provides a forum where single parents in Maryland can support each other, share their the lessons they’ve learned through their common experiences, and help members learn from their successes and their mistakes.

SPARK fulfills its mission by encouraging active participation of its members in a balanced program that fosters strong, happy families. The group offers social and educational opportunities for each member.

SPARK is an active organization that publishes a calendar of events each month to provide informal, friendly social gatherings where members can relax and enjoy building relationships with others who share their life experience.

Examples of such activities include concerts, movies, dinners, and classes that help members get to know each other and interact in comfortable, enjoyable surroundings.

SPARK Management and Operation

Not-for-profit SPARK exists solely to fulfill its advocacy role for and commitments to single parents. It is not involved in, nor does it support, any other causes or organizations.

SPARK exists as a social support group. It does not generate income for its founders, leaders, or members. Its only compensation is the satisfaction of knowing that it creates the opportunity for support, social interaction, and sharing of hard-earned wisdom for its single parent members.

SPARK is directed and operated by volunteers. Operating expenses are funded entirely through voluntary contributions from and raised by its single parent members.

Based in Maryland and covering nearby states, SPARK is open to all single parents with children under eighteen years of age, whether or not the parent has legal custody of the child or children.

SPARK’s Purpose

The Single Parents Raising Kids organization’s purpose is to give members practical, constructive ideas for resolving social, emotional, and monetary problems that come with single parenthood. SPARK provides social situations where single parents know they are not alone. With this in mind, SPARK gives single parents opportunities for:

• Participation with other single parents in wholesome and fun activities.

• Learning and generating more knowledge about problems and solutions for single parents.

• Sharing what they have learned that could benefit other single parents.

Reflections on Single Parenting

Today’s single parents are more fortunate than those in the past generations. The days when single parents were ostracized or looked down by the society have passed. Today, single parenthood doesn’t carry the stigma and social burden associated in the old days with a failing marriage or pregnancy out of wedlock.

The single parents of today are lucky to have available to them the opportunity to enjoy the support and issue-oriented groups and activities to help them out meet the burdens of raising children alone.

Organizations like SPARK could have helped many a single parent in the past. But it’s better late than never. Thank God, single parents can now get support from SPARK.

Having enjoyed success in making life better for single parents in the area, SPARK hopes the approach will expand from Maryland to the rest of the world.

To learn more about the organization or get information on events, contact SPARK headquarters at SPARK Incorporated, PO Box 288, Rockville, Maryland 20848.



By: Abhishek Agarwal

About the Author:

It is true that there is no rule book for parents. New parents learn the art and science of parenting by watching others. Sometimes, they go to experts to get their problems solved. Parents of toddlers experience different kind of problems. How to potty-train them, how to address bed wetting problems, how to bring them on the normal diet chart and many such questions keep them worried.

There are many types of parenting classes being offered by different organizations all over the country. Parenting workshops equip you with essential parenting skills to raise a healthy, happy and responsible child who can enrich the family as well as the society with their positive contributions.

Once you enroll into parenting classes you get to meet other parents. This gives you a wonderful chance to share your experiences with them. Exchanging ideas can be quite beneficial for all parents.

Parenting classes help parents learn a lot about:

• Nutritional needs of babies, children and teenagers.

• Feeding schedule

• Bed wetting

• Discipline problem

Good parenting coaching is supposed to make you ready to tackle your children in a better way. The classes offer plenty of articles, audio tutorials, tips and magazines to enhance your parenting skills. Once you are through with it, you would know how to tackle specific problems.

Finally, the parenting coaching helps you find the solution that you were looking for. At the end of the session you become experienced enough to address many common problems associated with family life and child care.



By: Stanley Gallor

About the Author:

Traditionally, holidays are depicted as a special time of the year for families to be together. However, when a divorce or separation occurs, many parents and children find themselves feeling confused, disappointed, conflicted and frustrated. During this time of the year, it is important to remember special occasions do not have to be emotionally stressful provided parents are able to put their children’s needs first.

Listed below are some pointers on how to make your celebration season less stressful for you and your kids.

¯ Realize that you may need to adjust your expectations.

¯ Try to stay focused on your children’s needs and how your decisions regarding the holidays will directly impact them. Think about what kinds of memories you want them to have this holiday season and what will be most important to them.

¯ Keep children informed about plans.

¯ Children need to know where they are going to be for special occasions and with whom. Support your children having contact with the other parent or extended family members during their special time with you.

¯ Avoid conflict with the other parent.

¯ Remember what’s most important to children is not who they spend their special day with, but rather that their parents are not fighting about who they will be with for the holidays. While sharing the holiday can be challenging, for the sake of children, pick your battles carefully and try to minimize tensions.

¯ If you are traveling with the children, provide the other parent with information. It is always a good idea to let the other parent know if you are going to be traveling with the children during the holiday season. Provide the other parent with details of when and where the children will be, as well as, how they can contact them while you are away from home.

¯ Help your children make or buy gifts for their other parent. Children need to experience the joy of giving and it also sends a message to your children that you support their relationship with the other parent.

¯ Allow children the opportunity to talk about past holidays. Remember children have a right to good memories of their family before the divorce or separation. Make sure you support their feelings about how things have changed.

¯ Let children know that even though the holidays will be different, they can still be special. Invite children to help establish new holiday rituals with you. It’s okay to have different ways of celebrating the holidays in each home. You may also want to talk with them about previous traditions and brainstorm with your children ways to combine old and new traditions.

¯ Try not to let guilt get the best of you during the holidays. Often parents feel guilty about how hard divorce can be for kids. Sometimes we may react to that guilt by overindulging our children with gifts during the holidays.

Avoid getting into a gift competition with your ex or purchasing gifts for your children that you know the other parent wouldn’t approve of or want in their home. When possible, try to coordinate gift choices with the other parent.

¯ Give gifts with no strings attached. Even though it can sometimes be very difficult, allow your children to decide at which home they would like to keep their gifts.

¯ Try to maintain a sense of humor and stay flexible. Sometimes plans may need to be altered or revised to accommodate your children’s needs. Don’t sweat the small stuff. When faced with a decision about changing plans it may help to ask yourself what difference will this make one year from now?

¯ Use times when you are not with your children in a positive way. Spending the holidays without your children can be difficult. Make plans with close friends, family members or take time to do something special for yourself.

¯ If this your first holiday minimize tension for your children as much as possible.

¯ Don’t make children responsible for communicating events to the other parent for the holidays. Only engage in cooperative activities with the other parent, like opening presents Christmas morning, if it will be a positive experience for children. It is essential that conflict or tension between parents be managed appropriately.

¯ If you are not the parent who is with your children for the holidays, use this time to care for yourself and let your kids know you will be okay. Kids will worry how you are going to handle the holidays. Reassure them that even though this holiday will be different, you will be okay. Encourage them to have a good time with the other parent.

¯ If you have the children for the holiday, be aware they might miss the parent they are not with now or for the holidays. Holidays are traditionally viewed as special time spent with family, which may stir up lots of feelings for your children. Make sure they can call or talk to the other parent to wish them a happy holiday.

¯ Focus on rebuilding a sense of family.

¯ Talk with children about what makes the holidays special for them and discuss how you can enjoy your time together. Remember time spent with children does not have to be extravagant. It’s not about what you spend, but rather how the time is spent.



By: Alvaro Castillo

About the Author:

If you will dare to care, to correct in love, to share the teachings of charity, and demonstrate genuine concern, you will model responsible parenting principles. Below I’ve detailed a few approaches that promote a strong parent-child relationship and keep the lines of communication open:

Communication: In the eleventh chapter of Deuteronomy, parents were instructed to teach the words of Yahweh to their children, talking about them at home and when away from home. Abraham, in the book of Genesis, was told to educate his children and household to keep the way of the Lord. Likewise, Christian parents must communicate with their children. The two types of communication are verbal (spoken words), and non-verbal (actions and body language). As a child’s first teacher, parents should talk with the child about your familial beliefs, values, morals, expectations, and how to live with and get along with others. However, in addition to talking with them, a parent should also be an effective listener of the needs and concerns of their children. Developing two-way communication in the early years increases the likelihood a child will continue to communicate with parents throughout their preteen and teenage years when the influence of peers is at its highest and most concentrated.

Caring: A Christian parent will be caring. Caring for a child requires giving unconditional love. In the second chapter of Titus, older women were given instructions to teach what was good and provide an example for younger women so that they would love their husbands and children. “Love is the fulfilling of the law.” - Romans 13:10b NRSV. Love is demonstrated through actions and words. Caring for a child requires a parent to give of him/herself. To care means to provide a child with not only the basic necessities of food, clothing and shelter, but also nurturing the child to grow, learn and exceed his/her genetic potential. Similar to the Hallmark slogan, a Christian parent cares enough to give the very best. The practice of giving a child one’s best will eliminate a large percentage of the physical, emotional and verbal abuse and neglect prevalent in society today.

Concern: A Christian parent will always show concern. Concern involves providing appropriate responses to the needs, moods, feelings, emotions, thoughts and actions of a child. A parent will show interest in the child and the child’s development. Concern can be communicated by asking a child how his/her day was, what was learned. It is quality time in which the parent assists the child to explore the environment. One cannot look at the flowers, insects, clouds and other marvels of creation with a child without using some of the time to talk about the Creator. Through concern, a parent teaches social skills that include accepting correction, accepting rejection, sharing, conflict resolution and respecting the feelings and property of others. Concern is reflected in the relationship that is established. The author of Romans 12 lists the marks of a true Christian. Loving one another with mutual affection shows concern. When shown in the formative years, preteens and teenagers are less likely to rebel against parents’ questions or view questions as an invasion of privacy.

Charity: In Bible dictionaries, charity and love are synonymous with one another. Loving thy neighbor as thyself can be found in multiple passages in the New Testament. Such love is demonstrated by providing for those in need. Webster’s Dictionary defines charity as goodwill, generosity and helpfulness towards others. A Christian parent will demonstrate charity by teaching compassion and sensitivity to the thoughts, feelings, experiences and needs of others…especially those who are in need or less fortunate than they are.

Correction: Ephesians 6:4 (NRSV) states, “…fathers [and mothers] do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” Discipline, often equated with punishment, is defined as corrective or formative training. For discipline to be effective, it does not have to be punitive. Hitting or spanking a child in anger should be avoided at all costs. Because an angry person’s behavior generally reflects a lack of control, all the child sees is the parent’s reaction which supersedes the initial reason for the disciplinary act. This angered approach often develops angry, defiant children rather than obedient ones. Developing a child through instruction has a positive impact upon a child. Proverbs 22:6 (NRSV) says, “Train children in the right way, and when old, they will not stray.” A Christian parent will strive to train a child by instilling morals and values, teaching right from wrong, and that misbehaving has consequences. This includes explaining why an action or behavior is inappropriate, and then teaching the preferred, more appropriate behavior. Correction involves consequences. Consequences may involve an apology and restitution which will encourage the acceptance of ownership for the inappropriate behavior, promote responsibility and prevent delinquency.

Using these basic approaches to parenting will not only make for a better parent-child relationship in your own home, but will lend a strong and effective blueprint for the child to use in the rearing of their own children in the future. Most importantly these steps serve as ways to continue to give glory to God in our everyday lives.



By: GX Magazine

About the Author:

Parents often deal with their kids the way they were disciplined. This may involve archaic notions about parenting that no longer work in today’s world with children. It is not unusual for adults to believe that parenting primarily involves the use of power and control. In William Glasser’s book, The Identity Society, he makes the point that the nature of parenting has changed over the last several decades.

Authority figures are no longer respected by virtue of the role they play. Teenagers are no longer compliant merely because their parents bark out orders. Glasser is very pragmatic about this issue. It’s not a matter of what’s right or wrong with reference to the values of parenting, it’s what works. Typically, using control tactics no longer work with kids. Many teachers have a problem grasping this concept. They believe that they can coerce kids into doing schoolwork. It usually doesn’t impact the child. Parents try to act authoritarian around their children and it backfires. Discipline is about role modeling respect, being firm, setting appropriate limits, and establishing consequences.

The most important step to discipline is creating a positive relationship with a child. Next, one must educate and coach kids on what you want them to accomplish. Developing autonomy within your children involves coaching and educating them to take responsibility for themselves. Respect must be modeled. That’s the way things are within our current cultural setting. You can complain about, say it’s not fair, but it’s the reality. Life is a lot more fun when children like and respect their parents. Most children will do most anything for parents they respect. I realize that there are exceptions, and in those cases parents need not feel guilty for bad parenting. Some kids make poor choices regardless of how connected we are to them.

For parents, “stepping out of the bubble” may mean viewing the parenting process from a different perspective. It may mean giving up the image of parenting that was established during their childhood. Sometimes, parents will internalize the image of parenting that was handed down to them even if that perception was intolerable. Sometimes caretaking for our kids involves doing the opposite of what was done to us. We need to get in touch with the child within us. We need to remember what it was like to play and have fun. If our childhood wasn’t fun, then we need to do some grief work and vow to make things different with our own children. If our inner-parent is critical, we will most likely have unrealistic expectation for our children. We need to listen to the inner-critic and let it speak. We may hear tones of the tyranny of the “shoulds.” The inner-critic or inner- parent is full of moral injunctions. It is the judge and jury of our behavior. Combine that subpersonality with the pusher-driver part of us and you have a toxic combination. The pusher-driver is the inner part of us that says, “What I am doing is not good enough. I must always try harder.” Parents need to get in touch with the inner-critic and the pusher-driver and identify with their contents and then detach. Parents will want to rationally respond to these subpersonalities with more reasonable ways of viewing specific issues. This process of rational responding will assist in clearing up the “muddy water” when it come to coaching and advising our own children.



By: James P Krehbiel

About the Author:

Parenting in general can be difficult, even though there are many positives to parenting. The bond between the child and the parent, for example, can often be the most rewarding part of becoming a parent for many. For others, it is the joy of caring for someone who will continue on the family bloodline and watching the person grow from an infant into a healthy adult who is a successful addition to society. However, parenting is not all joy. It takes time, patience and a whole lot of commitment. This is why it is stressed that before anyone chooses to become a parent, they seriously think about it before making the choice.

If the choice is made to become a parent, there are many stages that their child will go through before they are an adult. Throughout these various stages there are many good times, but there can also be a lot of difficult times. One stage, however, that many parents will complain about is the dreaded teenage years. Everyone has heard the horror stories of their teenage children becoming pregnant, getting into drugs or becoming too much to handle in the home. Here is the truth about these kinds of problems; none of these have to happen. Proper education, spending time with the children and showing that they have someone to talk to who will support them no matter what, and who have a good bond with their parent will most likely not have any of these problems. Most children who have a healthy relationship with their parents are more likely to succeed in life and not run into those kinds of problems. Communicating with the kids and being supportive of them will encourage a better relationship, while poor communication and lack of support can often lead to teenagers getting into trouble.

Teenagers are in a critical stage where they are changing in many ways before they become full adults. These kinds of changes, including changes in the hormones as well as in some chemicals in the brain can often lead to the typical teenage behavior that most are familiar with. Being more a friend, and this term is used lightly because they still need a parent, than an overbearing parent will tend to yield a positive response from the teenager. Online therapists and counselors are available online for any parents who may be having trouble with their teenagers. Seeking help in the form of advice and suggestions before any real problem builds is always the best thing to do. The online therapist or counselor can help the parent to diffuse a volatile situation and help the parent and teenager to build a better understanding of each other. It is possible to have a healthy relationship with a teenage kid; it just takes patience and understanding from the parent as well as some patience and understanding from the teenager. Online counselors and therapists can work with the parent and the kid to build a stronger relationship that will help to bring more positivity in the home. Continued negativity in the home will only lead to a worse situation.



By: Jennifer Baxt

About the Author:

“Raising up kids is no kidding” they say. Parenting is one of the biggest challenges which one faces. Are you having trouble parenting? Searching for good parenting tips or parenting advice books or articles? Don’t feel embarrassed or prejudiced in learning about better parenting. Parenting is an art similar to the job of an earthen pot maker, where your child is like wet soil, it is you who give them shape and mould them into individuals they are today. The more skillfully you do your job, better is the outcome. To get more idea read on.

 

First and the foremost parenting tip that you would ever get is “always practice what you preach” .you are the first ideal for your children, they watch you since birth and simply follow your ways. They would stop following and respecting you the moment they realize your preaching is just verbose and you don’t apply it practically yourself. For being your kid’s best teacher, first fasten up your belts. You need to apply lots of commonsense and practical attitude in dealing with their affairs. Praise your child more often for the good work they do, howsoever small it may be. In Today’s competitive world your child’s upbringing plays a major deciding factor for his/her survival and excelling in these testing times.

 

Remember how beautifully your parents raised you up. Parenting is something that comes instinctively that’s true, but with changing times and changing lifestyle it has become more challenging. Don’t you find yourself helpless at times with some problem related to your child? At times you have to be strict with them and give them tough punishments for their betterment, but things don’t turn out the way you expected. May be your ways and means to deal with them are not proper. Parent’s frustration makes an upward swing when children do not agree with you or understand your real motives; they start their own line of thinking and understanding things, all this resulting in clashes and affecting the atmosphere at home. In such hot moments it is more of parents’ responsibility to sit back and think coolly where things are going wrong. After all the person you are dealing is your own child. Wouldn’t you like to deal with him or her in the best possible manner?

 

Raising boys or Raising girls is not an easy task, both are equally responsible and complex jobs. The problem is you know what’s best for your child but you don’t know how to make your child understand the same. We can guide you through practical parenting workshops, give you parenting advice, tried and tested methods and parental tips to solve your problem. Simple solutions to what appear like a tough problem are what we provide. 

We teach how to grow a healthy and conducive relation with your child. Regarding parenting coaching I can only say “you have full idea about what are the ingredients that make a perfect cookie; we simply help you bake it”.

 

If you are interested to know more about Parenting Advices, please search our site for more in-depth information and resources.

 

 



By: Barry Lee

About the Author:

The most important learning for the child comes from his family. Parents are his first teachers. The child learns about his world and how to be a good person from the very day he is born. His sense of self comes from how his parents treat him and respond to him.

Child experts often advise parents to tune in to their children from an early age. Children’s self-esteem is nurtured early in life as they interact with their parents in a positive environment. When a child gets into trouble, parents often blame themselves for being too lenient or too strict with him. Some parents even blame the child for being naughty or disobedient.

The truth of the matter is, children are the products of either good parenting or bad parenting and not because their parents are good or bad. When we make mistakes with our children, often times, we are not aware of ways to manage our children correctly.

We can do a better job with our children when we understand the different stages of development. As children mature, parents need to manage their children’s behaviour differently. You cannot talk to your teenager as you did when he was six years old. Listen to what your child says and find ways to support his interests.

Communication plays a vital role in our daily interactions with family members. We need to understand what they hear and see, and be able to send messages in ways that they can understand and accept. Children need adults to guide them in choosing the right words to express themselves. Teaching by example is the most effective tool for parents.

Many have found that their words fall on deaf ears when they do not practise what they preach to their young ones. A mother of two school-going boys remarked that today’s teenagers are easily influenced by their peers. She feared for her children’s welfare. She wondered how she can protect her sons from negative influences.

Children tend to draw closer to their peers when their parents refuse to acknowledge them or listen to them. Their peers, on the other hand, make them feel accepted and loved. They never question them or belittle their ideas.

Self-esteem is how the person feels and thinks about himself. Feeling loved, valued, wanted and respected will make children feel good about who they are. Parents can create such an environment for them to grow up in. Once your children are confident, they can try new things and explore their world.

Parents must allow their children to make mistakes so that they can learn to cope and find out what they can do to succeed. Like a toddler learning to walk, he will fail many times before he achieves his goal. But once he manages to do what he sets out to do, he will experience an overwhelming sense of pride.

Many children feel unloved because they are scolded or punished frequently.

The foundation of their relationship with their parents is built on fear and violence. While parents consider their acts of punishments as a form of discipline, their children do not share this understanding. They cannot accept the fact that their parents inflict pain on them to teach them a lesson.

As children grow, parents must be prepared to allow them to take charge of their behaviour. When parents respect their children for their sense of independence, they will live up to parental expectations.

My five-year-old nephew once declared: “I have no freedom. My parents make me do everything.” He feels helpless when he is not allowed to do simple tasks for himself or decide what he wants to do or say.

In today’s competitive world, our children need to know that being different is acceptable. We do not want our children to be carbon-copies. They can have their own likes and dislikes. They should not feel the need to submit to societal pressure to look the same and talk the same way. Parents can show their children how to value different things that they learn from others.

We live in a multicultural society. Parents’ attitude can make a lot of difference in how their children regard other people and accept their ways. Bring the various cultures into your children’s lives through stories, songs and food. Hopefully, one day our children will grow into mature adults who do not discriminate against others



By: Alvaro Castillo

About the Author:

Often I wondered what it could be like to grow up with one’s parents in prison. A few days ago I brought up this question during a meeting with a group of educators in Chicago. But their varying views didn’t suffice my curiosity.

There are over 2 million children in the US who have one or more parents in prison. If we begin with the idea that a child needs his parents, it would be important to study how parental absence affects a child.

In ‘Between Parents and Child’ Dr Haim Ginott underscores the fact that a child’s greatest fear is of being unloved or abandoned by his parents. And this same belief was echoed and immortalized by John Steinbeck in his novel ‘East of Eden.’ ”The greatest terror a child can have is that he is not loved, and rejection is the hell he fears…And with rejection comes anger and with angers some kind of crime in revenge.” Deep inside him, a child doesn’t understand why his parent left. To him, he has been abandoned, therefore unattended, unloved and rejected. To the child, the reason of his parent’s imprisonment or divorce takes a back seat to the simple fact that the parent is gone and will no longer be involved in the child’s day-to-day life.

If our children are the backbone of our society then both divorce and parental incarceration go against the best interest of our future society. Should a child have more time to spend with his imprisoned or non-custodial parent?

Parenting is a social responsibility and every parent should have the right to parenting: imprisoned, divorced or otherwise. But the idea of the right to parenting by the imprisoned should not be confused with comfort. It isn’t the prison that is the punishment but the deprivation of liberty, no comfort in the world can compensate for a locked door!

A child’s fundamental right is to receive love from his parents; and reciprocally every parent should have the right to give that love to their child. Given that 80% of prisoners  in the US come from fatherless homes, future crimes as well as the number of criminals could be greatly reduced if our lawmakers focused on building effective measures to preserve the traditional idea of “family”. Through accessible free-counseling, and support groups, through information and education this could be achieved!

However, it is important to underline that there is strong public opinion against forcing couples to stay together. So how do we prevent families from breaking up in the first place? In our childhood, we study the basics of everything…some science, some math, some history and geography but we remain unexposed to something more important: studies of the importance of our relationship with others. Decades ago, sex-education was put in place by our past lawmakers as part of the process to deal with teenage pregnancy and the spread of STD s. If our current lawmakers made an effort to consider the inclusion of some form of “relationship-education” in educational institutions like they did for sex-education in the past, the health of our society is more likely to improve. And with some luck, our future generation would probably embrace the idea of reformation through the preservation of traditional social values.



By: Alistair Banerjee

About the Author: